Crazy Faith: My Testimony

For as long as I can remember, I’ve held a deep desire to be a wife and mother. This is the desire that God placed in me by creation and I’ve wanted nothing more than to live out my purpose. In the beginning, I had a timeline. I figured I would find a guy, date him a year, be engaged a year, enjoy a year as newlyweds and then, boom! I’d get pregnant. Not so, said Jesus. I found myself three, four, five, then six years into my marriage, happy as can be, but still missing the mother role. Around 2013 or 2014, my husband and I really began trying to get pregnant. I went to numerous doctor’s appointments, exercised (admittedly not as much as I should have), cleaned up my diet, took pre-natal vitamins, etc. All the while enduring disappointments one after another. I had irregular cycles, cycles without ovulation, was given a diagnosis of polycystic ovarian syndrome, or PCOS, and fibroid tumors. I began to pray for the pregnancy to happen, but the only answer I seemed to get was “wait.” I grew tired and frustrated, watching all my friends, classmates, and family members have baby number 1, 2,3…twins. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for them all, but I wanted that for myself. When I finally gave up and allowed God to deal with me, he began to turn things around.

I remember the first time he dropped a hint: I was engaged in a fierce battle with Satan (via prayer) and the Holy Spirit just seemed to take over. I began to declare acceptance of salvation for my entire family and covering for them by the blood of Jesus. I began to go down the list naming each family member I could think of. Things were just rolling off my tongue when came the statement “I cover my husband, my son…” I stopped right there like…What?!? But that was it. No follow up explanation from God. Just quiet. Months later, while praying again for this pregnancy, God spoke and said that he would give me what I wanted if I would just be patient and trust Him. Make no mistake. This waiting and trusting came with some other specific instructions as well. God dealt with both my husband and I regarding the care of our bodies; these earthly vessels that were supposed to be the temples for His spirit to dwell. God wanted us to clean up our diets, exercise, and be more aware of the things we allowed into our bodies whether it be medications, media, negative emotions, etc. He wanted us to be healthier physically and spiritually. I agreed, but as the months went by, it seemed like nothing was happening. Then one day in conversation about an unrelated spiritual topic, my husband says to me that God has confirmed to him that we will have a son. (This is often how God confirms things for us as a couple/family: He first tells us individually and we end up discussing the topic and seeing that he has told us the same thing.) My hope was renewed.

One night I found myself looking for baby names online. Now seeing as there is no sign of a baby at this point, most would consider this really premature. However, I was walking confidently in the promise God gave to me and waiting with anticipation. I had already had some names picked out from the time I was in high school, just waiting on the husband and the kid. But now, somehow those just didn’t feel right. I searched and found the name Jaiden first. It stuck out to me. The name is of Hebrew origin meaning ‘God has heard us’ or ‘promised.’ I then searched for a fitting middle name and found Matthias. Again, Hebrew origin, meaning ‘gift from God.’ I loved the sound of the name, it just felt right. The significance of the name would be a forever reminder of God’s love and mercy towards us. I knew this had to be it. I excitedly passed the news along to my husband, but he was not convinced. Fast forward three weeks and he tells me in random conversation one day that God has instructed him to concede. Jaiden Matthias is the name he has chosen for our son.

In biblical times, there was great significance in the birth of a son, especially the first son. I felt honored that God would hear my cry and give us such a gift. My own impatience made the wait seem like a roller coaster ride. I was happy and content and then I wasn’t. Despite my impatience, frustration, and tears, God continued to love me. He showed mercy and always assured me that he can be trusted.

Over the years, it seemed that confirmations just kept coming each time I felt tempted to give up. First was the dream my aunt told me of where she saw my son running down the center aisle of our church. I prayed asking God to allow me to see him too. I prayed, He answered. Not too long after, I had a dream where I saw the most beautiful, brown-skinned, chubby-thighed little boy sitting on my bed and laughing, much like my grandma Clay Lee did, bouncing as he laughed. Well- meaning friends and family members who knew of my journey and desire to be a mom would sometimes ask if we had considered adoption, IVF, or some other alternative method. Honestly, we had, but I specifically wanted the experience of carrying my child myself and God said that he would give me that. I remember a woman speaking over me at a Southern Interstate Ministries Conference saying that “God was getting ready to birth a new thing in me.” Funny wording, I thought. I wasn’t sure if she was referring to something in ministry God would use to for, a new phase of life, or an actual child. Even as I write this, I believe she was referring to something ministry related more-so than a pregnancy, but I know God will reveal the answers when it’s time. Then came the prophecy and prayer over my husband and I during our church’s annual Youth & Family Conference in 2016. Our keynote speaker, Pastor Christ Taylor and his wife, First Lady Connie Taylor prophesied and prayed blessings over myself and my husband, our home, and our children. They didn’t know that we were in the midst of trying to get a home, but encountering delay after delay. They never knew about our challenges in having a child, but they spoke these things through the Holy Spirit. The same day of this prophecy and prayer, we were told about a fertility specialist in Jackson, MS who was supposedly one of the best in the state. We prayed about it and decided to make an appointment.

Walking in our initial consultation, neither my husband nor I knew what to expect. What would be we told? Is God leading us to actually try some method other the good, old-fashioned, natural way of conception? Upon seeing the doctor, I was told that, based on my age and the number of years we had been trying to conceive, there was less than a 1% chance of us getting pregnant without some type of intervention. The doctor encouraged us to participate in a study he was doing using a new procedure that would allow him to take an in-depth/up close look at my reproductive system and see exactly what was going on. We agreed to consider it, but I was trying so hard to hold back tears. It’s heartbreaking to hear that the one thing you want most in this life is nearly impossible. Oh, but don’t you cry for me. Had I been thinking I wouldn’t have wanted to cry either! Does not my God specialize in the impossible? During this same appointment, I was told that my reproductive system looked great! There were NO OVARIAN CYSTS TO BE FOUND! God had healed! There were only two fibroid tumors remaining from who knows how many there were before, but even those two were not in a position to negatively affect a pregnancy. The only thing the doctor noted was that my fallopian tubes were narrower than average, making implantation of an egg less likely. We were given cost details of a protocol that would help us bypass this issue and get pregnant before leaving the office, but after praying, it was confirmed in the usual way that God just wanted us to pray. He sent us to the doctor so we would know exactly what to pray for.

My husband and I obeyed and the more we prayed, the more instructions the Holy Spirit gave us. All this while simultaneously taking us through a spiritual makeover. We declared that our trust was solely in Him. By this time, we had closed on the house where we’ve lived peacefully now for nearly three years. We continued praying and following God’s prompts, focusing more on service to Him than requesting things from Him. I personally came to rest in a place of contentment and joy. Of course, when you reach this point, Satan starts to hate. So, my husband’s car broke down. There was a process for this as well but long story short, God sent us to the dealership he wanted us to buy from before our car actually arrived. When it came in, we began working to get the financing and unofficially purchased the car sight unseen. More crazy faith, right? It all worked in our favor and we love the new ride. We picked up the car on 9/30/16. The next morning, I took two pregnancy tests and both were positive……………

That’s not where the story ends. I’m typing this on a Saturday night in February 2019 and I do not have a two-year-old running around and hollering “mommy!” every few seconds. You’re probably wondering what happened, right? Well, I scheduled an appointment to see an ob/gyn and begin prenatal care, but on my first visit, the nurses informed me that I was not pregnant. I remember the pity on the nurses face because I’m sure she saw nothing but disappointment and heartbreak in mine. The doctor came in and explained that I must have had what is called a chemical pregnancy. The process began, but the egg didn’t implant and thus the pregnancy suffered an early miscarriage. Sensing our devastation and, I believe led by the Holy Spirit, the doctor encouraged me not to give up. She stated that this must not be the time; that God would surely show himself when the time was right. In hindsight, that failed pregnancy was yet another confirmation that God can do the impossible. When He was good and ready, I would become a mom.

During another Youth and Family Conference at our church, this time in 2018, I had two people to pray over me. The first young lady, Mikayla, knew nothing of my struggles or that, despite my brave face, I was at another low point in my journey to motherhood. I was tired and felt that I should just accept the fact that I may literally be a modern day Sarah. This young lady prayed and her message to me from the Holy Spirit was “Don’t give up. I was right on the cusp of the thing that I had been waiting for.” After this, our keynote speaker, Minister Janeth Brown, prayed and prophesied about a pregnancy. I explained to her that I had been awaiting the arrival of this child for years. She said to me on that day in March 2018 that “By this time next year, I would have a child.” She later spoke saying that the Holy Spirit kept saying to her “August.” Well, August 2018 rolled around and there was no pregnancy. But this time, I kept going with my healthy habits and kept the spiritual momentum. After that conference and the way the spirit moved, I was amped! I completely forgot about the whole ‘August’ thing until January 8, 2019. That was the day of my first pre-natal visit. I was 8 weeks pregnant and given a due date of…..you guessed it….August 20, 2019.

The doctors have yet to confirm that it’s a boy, but after all this time, we just know. Jaiden’s room in our home has been selected and decorated for him since we moved in. The scriptures God gave me to teach him are hung on the walls. Prayers for him have been going up for years and will continue even more-so now that he is actually here. Through this journey we have learned that God wants us to trust that His word is true. Regardless of what we see, He always comes through. What we see as a struggle is simply a necessary delay in His eyes. He prepared us, cleansed us, and positioned us for this time, this task, this child. I am in awe of Him. I imagine this will only continue as I watch and feel the development and ultimately give birth to this child. God has not only given me the desires of my heart, but has said that this child would be born for such a time as this. I pray I will get to witness his transformation into the warrior that God has called him to be. Until then, he will simply be ‘my bean.’

“I have prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him.” I Samuel 1:27

“God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he not speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” Numbers 23:19

As I face day to day challenges, decisions, and needs, I’m reminded of God’s faithfulness and unfailing love. I pray I never forget it or take it for granted. The lessons I’ve learned along this journey have been invaluable to my spiritual growth. The lessons I will learn in the days to come will be just as priceless. When you find yourself facing the things that seem impossible, remember my story, remember God’s word is truth, remember to have crazy faith.

UPDATE!! Jaiden Matthias was born on August 13, 2019. Today he is a healthy soon to be 4 year old and the best big brother to two younger siblings: Brielle (born December 2020) and Judah (born January 2022). God truly went above and beyond His initial promise and what I could have ever expected. All three miracle babies are a constant reminder of God's almighty power and love for his children.